God Did Not Make Death

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

---

Last weekend, I was exhausted. The need for sleep: natural for all humans, I know. But this was deep exhaustion. The kind that ushered in a trauma response where my mind fixated on negative and harmful thoughts. David felt scared because it reminded him of how I operated when I was in the throes of postpartum depression.

I didn’t attend Mass with the family, but rather listened to the readings and took a nap. “I guess this is survival mode,” David said as he packed up the four kids to attend the liturgy in person.

“It doesn’t have to be a whole mode,” I said groggily. “Maybe it’s only today!”

Later that Sunday, when I got a second wind and felt some calm, we were able to eat family dinner together. Our 10-yr-old son said with a grin, “Good thing it’s the last Mass before the Bishop says we have to come back!” (Jamal knew that the Sunday Mass obligation is officially reinstated as of next weekend.)

I laughed. “It is good timing!”

When I listened to the audio recording online, the beginning of the first reading stood out the most, “God did not make death.” Even though my mind felt cloaked in darkness, it was comforting to think that God didn’t create me for those feelings.

Later in the week, I had a challenging conversation with a close friend. It was the kind of talk where the necessary words seemed to require physical exertion to expel. As I spoke into the confrontation between us, I thought, “Ah, dying to myself. This is it.”

Again, those words came back to me: “God did not make death.” It was a surprising moment as I turned to the Lord in my heart for affirmation. The comfort was much deeper than I expected. I thought the sentiment from the Lord would be something like, “Good job dying today, daughter.” But it was more like a simple look of sorrow. Sorrow at the death.

I’d never thought of that before. That God is pained by our suffering—yes. But I never imagined his pain as I die to myself over something “little.” I’ve usually seen dying to myself in the day-to-day as something to be tough about.

Being tough might be good, too, in one sense. But through this Word for the Week, the Holy Spirit beckoned me to see that Jesus doesn’t create those deaths each day. Death is God’s enemy. Even as the Lord gives me grace to persevere, those “small” deaths break His heart, too.

For a moment this week, I was able to stop in the sorrow and to feel His love for me in it. (I’m feeling a lot better than I did last Sunday, by the way!) Normally I would ask how this Word might apply to your life, as well. This time, I’ll ask you: how do those words, God did not make death, speak to you today?

___

Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Kelly Wesaw
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive a “New Song Every Sunday,” signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

God Is Greater Than Our Hearts

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

---

Looking two weeks back! (I’m off-kilter in my blogging schedule, but God's word is outside of time, right?)

Mass has been great lately: our kids haven’t needed to exit church for behavioral reasons in months. Wow! Among the congregation, there seems to be tension around whether to wear a mask or not to wear a mask. About 50% of our community seems to go one way or the other. These are personal observations only!

With beautiful tapestries still hanging against the gorgeous backdrop of the church, the Easter Season is in full effect. My daughter Chiara sketched the scene during Mass. She was thrilled to show the parish priests afterward, and that they told her she was an amazing artist. Her excitement was a beautiful reminder of the blessing of meeting in the church! Meanwhile, the word that stood out to me was, “God is greater than our hearts.” -1 John 3:20

As the week progressed, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do about that word. At the same time, I started to feel not as close with the Lord and not as close with David. This would typically be a red flag! But as I looked at the reasons behind my emotion, I realized I was deep in the “practicals” of life, both in my prayer time and with David.

For instance, David and I continued to work through big ministry transitions. Re-acclimating to society is a whole project! Not to mention, caring for our four children. And this month of May, we will have out-of-town guests every week! It felt like we were spending a lot of time together but not necessarily a lot of individualized time!

And in prayer, I had a lot of spiritual writing to do for our podcast preparation. Sure, I was working through those items with the Lord. But it felt different, emotionally, than those times when simply I’m basking in His presence.

Through my word for the week, I felt the Lord asking me, “Are you still close with David?”

“Well, yes,” I thought.

“Are you still close with me?” Again, the answer was yes.

And it was a relief to remember that my emotions aren’t the central indicator of the truth! God, who is Love, is much greater than that.

How’s your heart today? Are you getting distracted by the daily demands of life? Perhaps, like Mary of Bethany, we are being called to find God’s presence in our own home in new ways. Maybe it’ll be a sacrifice to slow down and to simply be aware that Jesus is already here.

Reminder for myself: regardless of how I feel in the moment, the truth of His presence outlasts passing emotion.

___

Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Kelly Wesaw
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive a “New Song Every Sunday,” signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

Beautiful (?) Obedience

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

---

At Mass last weekend, I had trouble breathing. Because of mask wearing. And also because my kids didn’t seem to stop fidgeting and/or talking the entire time. Mental note: I need to pray about this guilty feeling when my kids are more than silent in public.

Actually. I just remembered that my friend Anel spoke graciously into this situation over a year ago. It was at a time when going to Mass was my biggest challenge of the week. She asked, “What does David think?”

“David thinks it’s good for us to go to Mass as a family.”

And with an enduring mix of sass and gentleness, Anel reminded me that my responsibility is to my husband and family first. In other words, maybe others are annoyed that my kids are squirmy or making noise. Is that my main concern?

I think this has to do with my Word for the Week: “He learned obedience through what he suffered.” (Hebrews 5:8)

As I asked the Lord, “What do you want me to do about this word?” The answer in my heart was simple but not so easy, “Be obedient.”

Obedient in what way?

At some point this week, I realized: A. I am still (still) not being called to initiate live events, and B. I am so very happy. These realizations did not occur at the same time! Yet somehow I moved from being majorly disappointed that David wasn’t excited about my latest get-people-together plan, into an overwhelmingly joyful contentment.

It was clear that one springs from the other. Obedience to God gives way to serenity!

This morning, as I sat down to write Word for the Week, I reflected upon this psalm setting from today’s Mass reading. Perhaps you, as well, are being tempted by “good” things to do. (See examples above: to have quiet children at Mass, to facilitate a backpacking retreat, etc.) And yet! If the things that take our attention aren’t bringing peace, then God has something even better for us.

I’ll invite you to take a deep breath and ask the Holy Spirit, “How are you calling me to be obedient to your voice today?” Let’s close with this psalm as we listen for the Lord’s answer:

(From Psalm 40)

Here I am, Lord; I come to do your will.
Sacrifice or oblation you wished not, but ears open to obedience you gave me.
Holocausts or sin-offerings you sought not; then said I, “Behold I come.”
Here I am, Lord; I come to do your will.
“In the written scroll it is prescribed for me,
To do your will, O my God, is my delight, and your law is within my heart!”
Here I am, Lord; I come to do your will.
I announced your justice in the vast assembly;
I did not restrain my lips, as you, O Lord, know.
Here I am, Lord; I come to do your will.
Your justice I kept not hid within my heart; your faithfulness and your salvation I have spoken of;
I have made no secret of your kindness and your truth in the vast assembly.
Here I am, Lord; I come to do your will.

___

Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Kelly Wesaw
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive exclusive rewards, signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

Locked Out of Church

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

---

I began writing this entry on the 1-year anniversary of the last “normal” Mass I attended. What a difference a year makes. In this Word for the Week entry, I'm reflecting on the bookends of the year, marked by two very disparate experiences.

Last year, I was on tour in Portland, OR with my friend, co-author and now co-host, Fr. Matt Fase, CSC. He celebrated the Sunday evening Mass at St. Michael the Archangel in Portland. After Mass, we gave a short concert/keynote together and then talked and laughed with parishioners for hours.

One year later, my family arrived 10 minutes early for Mass at our local parish in Arizona. David brought Mercedes, Serra and Jamal inside while I finished my makeup and had a critical Mom-Talk with Chiara in the van.

When Chiara and I crossed the parking lot and went up to the church doors, bright blue, laminated signs read, "Church at Capacity."

The doors were locked.

A young priest stood outside in his clerics. "We can't let anyone else in," he said as dozens of people came up in hopes of joining the Eucharistic Feast.

He urged people to come earlier in the future or to try a different Mass time. He defended the Bishop's decision to limit capacity to 25% of the building. "Obedience," he said with a laugh. The laugh sounded sad.

Another family arrived about 15 minutes later. Their daughter intended to be present for the scrutinies. The priest exclaimed, "You should have been here a long time ago!"

They were silent. Sure, they were late for Mass. But did they expect the possibilities of being rejected in this manner?

"Hey, you're going to receive your Confirmation?" I said with a smile from behind my mask. The middle schooler in the bright pink tee perked up and nodded. Her cheekbones filled out with a smile similarly veiled behind her mask.

"Oh, yes, that's great!" The priest's tone shifted from security guard to pastor.

The family walked away with their shoulders slumped.

I stood outside with another young couple, Patrick and Jasmine. Chiara played in the well-manicured lawn with their eldest two children (ages 2 and 1 years old). I picked up my phone to text David: “Locked out. At capacity.” Beside me, Jasmine rocked her sleeping infant in a front pack.

Patrick took some deep breaths, then asked the priest about the logic of locking people out. After a while of listening to explanations of policy and procedure, Patrick shook his head and said, "I'm not blaming you, Father."

Finally, it seemed the priest ensured no one from the inside would let anyone else in. He disappeared from our sight.

Patrick turned to his wife and me. Our kids were stepping around the courtyard now, hand in hand. Patrick intermittently glanced toward the children as he described a movie about two young priests. “They risked their lives to bring the Sacraments to Catholics in Japan during religious persecution.”

After another fatherly look toward the kids, Patrick mused, "And I just have to wait until the 10:45am Mass," he laughed, a bit like the young priest had. "But it's the precedent," he added quietly.

On the pandemic-anniversary weekend, I still received the Eucharist. There was an evening Mass at a different parish later. My Word for the Week was, “Die...of thirst.”

During that Mass, the Lord allowed me to experience a bit more of His thirst for me and for every soul He has created. I felt an indescribable longing to welcome every person into the Church. It seemed so crucially important to share the love and the community that we have been given in Christ!

I could most definitely sense the thirst between God and His people more acutely than the year prior. And I can laugh about it now. It’s one thing to hear the call from Luke 14:22, “Go out to the highways and hedgerows and make people come in that my home may be filled.” It’s another thing to be locked out of that home. It would seem there is no other choice but to go out.

Here’s the Holy Spirit, once again speaking to me through very direct imagery.

Perhaps you feel the pull also, to go out beyond the Church walls to share the gospel. Or maybe you’re coming from the other side and have felt removed from or shunned by the Church for a long time. The good news is, no matter where we find ourselves, God wants to meet our thirst with His thirst.

In closing, I’ll invite you to reflect with me on the words of St. Theresa of Calcutta, “He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don’t feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes—He is the one who always accepts you.”

___

Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Kelly Wesaw
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive exclusive rewards, signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

This One's Secret!

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

---

Hello! Looks like I’ve been sharing my Word for the Week for well over a year now! Thank you to those of you who read this column consistently, and welcome to those who are new!

This week’s entry will be a bit different. Normally, I share about how I felt God speaking to me at Mass last weekend, explore what the Lord wants me to do about it, and ask how this Word for the Week might apply to your life, as well. But this time, my word is secret!

Sometime that happens, you know? In fact, I have an entire album called “Secretos Navideños,” or, “Secrets of Christmas.” The idea is that the works of the Lord begin in stillness.

So, I can tell you that we attended Mass as a family again last week. And there was music! Not only congregational music led by the organist, but there was a psalmist! And a full choral ensemble! Granted, the choir was composed of only a handful of vocalists. But to hear “Panis Angelicus” again in 4-part harmony was incredible. Be still my heart!

As for the word that stood out to me? Well, that’s what I feel the Lord is inviting me to hold in my heart. And yet, here I am writing about it. This is a comforting moment, really! Because sometimes I fear that doing public ministry will tarnish the authenticity of my spiritual life. What if I’m simply listening for my Word for the Week so I can write about it later?

But no. It can be both! The Lord is offering me a hidden spiritual life that enriches my public ministry and vice-versa: ministry that constantly compels me to love Christ more. Sometimes the Holy Spirit asks me to receive gifts (such my current Word for the Week) that I’ll never explain publicly. And yet the fruit of those gifts is always meant to be shared.

This reminds me of the Blessed Virgin Mary, when she “held all of these things in her heart” throughout Jesus’ childhood (Luke 2:19). Or how we have zero quotes from St. Joseph, and yet his presence speaks through the ages. Have you received any secrets from the Lord lately? Maybe you had a beautiful encounter with nature or even with a stranger, and you wanted to tell someone, but something held you back!

To anyone holding a secret joy today, let’s pray for each other! Someday everything will be revealed, and then we’ll get to rejoin in each other’s stories for eternity. I can’t wait!

“For there is nothing hidden that will not become visible, and nothing secret that will not be known and come to light.” -Luke 8:17

___

Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Kim Moline
Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Kelly Wesaw
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive exclusive rewards, signup at amandavernon.com/patron.