Holy Joy

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

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At long last, we chose a home parish! Here's the caveat: we decided to settle into this parish for one year and then reassess. That seems to be the best I can do right now.

So there we were, at our home parish, two Sundays ago. And I was feeling queasy. As I've been sharing here on my blog, I've been recovering from an eating disorder.

I ate breakfast before Mass, but I felt lightheaded and out of sorts during the liturgy. The word that stood out to me was from the opening prayer, the collect. I found the text on a website for the Diocese of Fort Worth (thanks, Texas!):

O God, who in the abasement of your Son
have raised up a fallen world,
fill your faithful with holy joy,
for on those you have rescued from slavery to sin you bestow eternal gladness.
Through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,
who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever, amen.

Holy joy. Whenever I hear "joy" in the scripture, I take it personally (because Joy is my middle name)! As Mass went on, I continued to feel ill. Eventually, I left to eat part of a protein bar.

When I returned to the pew, David whispered that he thought I could still receive the Eucharist because it was a medical need. "But I broke my fast," I protested. So at Communion, I approached for a blessing only.

After Mass, I waited in line to speak with our pastor. He sat down with me at the back of the church, after all of the other parishioners had departed.

It was such a comforting conversation. He already knew about my recovery process, but I explained how it is hard to know how to fast these days.

"You're caught in a shame cycle," he accurately summed up how I was feeling.

"Yes! But if I wasn't doing this to myself then I wouldn't even have this problem and then I could fast!" I tried to pinpoint the issue, with tears in my eyes.

Our pastor was able to help me see that I am doing my best right now. Ultimately, David had been correct. In effect, this is a medical condition and it's okay to treat it as such.

I was able to receive Communion after Mass! As the week went on, I thought about the words "holy joy," and about another bit of wisdom from that conversation with our pastor.

To paraphrase, he said, "It sounds like you think you need to get better on your own. No, God calls us to holiness but He is the one who is going to accomplish it for us."

God's the one who makes us holy. I love that. And He is certainly ushering in change right now that I couldn't have planned or predicted. Oh, by the way: turns out I had the flu last week, in the end.

So I'm grateful to be feeling better, and grateful that the flu allowed for these moments of grace with our new pastor in our (official) home parish.

What about you? Can you see the hand of God orchestrating change in any aspect of your life, where you wouldn't be able to summon up change on your own?

Kind of like when the Israelites stood at the foot of the Red Sea; they needed a miracle. God made it abundantly clear that it was He who parted the waters for them. What's the Red Sea in your life today?

Let's pray: Lord, as we stand at the water's edge, like the Israelites at the Red Sea, we know you are calling us further into your love and mercy. Please part the waters and we will walk through. Thanks for hearing and answering us before we even ask. Amen!

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Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski
Frances Jones
Elizabeth Herberg

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive a “New Music Every Month,” signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

I Was His Delight

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

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Last Sunday, I was home with our family in Arizona. We’ve been undecided between two parishes in the area since we moved to our new home. (David has his vote, the four kids are split, and I can’t decide!)

We attended at the bigger of the two parishes. It’s a stunning Southwestern, mission-style church. The word that stood out to me was from the first reading. It describes God’s wisdom going out before the Lord during the creation of the world. “I was his delight day by day.” (Proverbs 8:30)

The idea that the same Spirit of delight also moves in us, that was so hopeful.

When I asked the Lord what to do about the word this week, I felt compelled to make some significant life changes. Namely, I’m being inspired to be honest with myself and others about my eating disorder. Although this illness only came to light 6 weeks ago, it’s time to make significant adjustments in order to recover.

This week, I felt the Holy Spirit inspire me to:
-Follow the advice of my nutritionist by eating “consistent, adequate food” every day.
-Research rehab centers.
-Take a year off from promoting my brand (no new tours or new content for social media).
-Focus my attention on recovery and on stabilizing our family life.

These are steps I wouldn’t be able to think of, much less act upon, without the Holy Spirit. I’m experiencing shame, guilt, and embarrassment for how my under-eating has hurt myself and those I love. Yet at the same time, I sense the delight of the Lord within me, too. It’s like the Wisdom of God is calling me to receive a blessing instead of a curse.

Some blessings so far are:
-Discovering some comfort in eating until I’m satisfied.
-A major improvement in my physical health.
-More enjoyment of exercise and movement.
-Being mentally and physically stable while spending time with our kids.
-David’s relief that I’m being more honest about my limitations.

Maybe the Holy Spirit is calling you to make some decisions that are, likewise, not what you might instinctively want or expect at this point. After all, God continues to lead us “from glory to glory” (2 Corinthians 3:18). Whatever choices we face today, will you pray with me for guidance? From the Book of Wisdom, Chapter 9:

“Now with you is Wisdom, who knows your works and was present when you made the world; who understands what is pleasing in your eyes and what is conformable with your command. Send her forth from your holy heavens and from your glorious throne dispatch her that she may be with me and work with me, that I may know what is your pleasure. For she knows and understands all things, and will guide me discreetly in my affairs and safeguard me by her glory.”

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Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski
Frances Jones
Elizabeth Herberg

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive a “New Music Every Month,” signup at amandavernon.com/patron.

What Does "Quiet and Tranquil" Mean?

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

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Another Word for the Week entry! But first, a confession: It has been even harder than I anticipated to re-acclimate to the tour life.

Momentum is such a huge part of my job as an artist. It has to do more with my intuition than with specific metrics. To gain momentum is more difficult than to keep it. But to start, stop, start again is the hardest. That is exactly what it feels like at all times recently. “We’re going! Oh, wait. Maybe we’re going.” It’s a fragile place to be. So that’s the backdrop to this reflection.

Last Sunday, I didn’t attend Mass. I felt under the weather with a head cold.

And I must have been a bit delirious whenever I read the readings. On the rare occasion that I need to stay home from Mass, I would normally read through the liturgical scriptures. I have no idea how I came to find this verse, but somehow, sometime around Sunday, I came upon this Biblical phase:

“quiet and tranquil.”

I’m smiling really big now, and also shaking my head. I do not know how to be quiet and tranquil for very long. Or at least, I don’t feel that my life reflects these traits well. But the words have long appealed to me. Even when I imagined my future, as a kid, I thought of this verse:

“First of all, then, I ask that supplications, prayers, petitions, and thanksgivings be offered for everyone, for kings and for all in authority, that we may lead a quiet and tranquil life in all devotion and dignity. This is good and pleasing to God our savior” - 1 Tim: 2:1-3

I figured, even as a child, that I could never have a family and a career as a recording artist, and a “quiet and tranquil” life. But here we are. I have a (quite dynamic) family, a robust music career, and... And I think God is calling me to be quiet and tranquil.

I’m convinced it starts in the heart. And also, I think God is asking me to not get nervous when a few days or even weeks are more mellow than others. He’s asking me to let go of my idea of “momentum” — in my marriage, motherhood, career. Instead, to welcome the idea of rest.

God shows us how to rest. Which is kind of at odds with a modern praise song that says of God, “You never stop, never stop working!” I love the song. But doesn’t rest implicitly happen as we stop working?

Anyway. Somehow the Lord spoke to me through my delirium this week, at a point when I needed to take a few naps per day. And maybe He’s calling to you in the midst of you grogginess, too. Let’s ask Him to show us?

“Lord, where are you bringing the gift of tranquility to me? Help me to welcome all of your gifts, including that of quiet. Thanks for answering before we even ask. Amen.”

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Special thanks to VIP Patrons:

Dick Safranski
Jordan Mendez
Julian Padilla
Jessica Cook
Kate Hicks
Sara Chacon
Deacon Tim & Lily Roberto
Carrie Brzezinski
Frances Jones

To become an Amanda Vernon Patron and receive a “New Song Every Sunday,” signup at amandavernon.com/patron.