Joy, Jesus, Judas, and Us

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

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My Word for the Week (last week!) was “joy of the kingdom,” from one of the Eucharistic prayers.

On the 4th Sunday of Easter, our Bishop lifted the mask requirement and the church capacity limits, in step with our Governor’s recent directives. It was about 60/40 percent mask-wearers to non-mask-wearers at Mass. And no one publicly discussed the mixed feelings and convictions that so many of us have right now! My Word for the Week shed light on my unsettled heart.

As I mulled over recent church experiences, the words “joy of the kingdom” felt personal. Per usual, “Joy” rang out as my own middle name. I felt the Lord asking me to be true to the person He made me to be in his kingdom. The Spirit inspired me to voice the deepest desires of my heart, the ones that He placed in me!

One new desire is to go in person to parishes and to ask the question: where have we, as a Church, seen Christ in the midst of this pandemic? The calling beneath that longing, to proclaim the joy of the Gospel through my music, that call has been consistent since around my Confirmation. It was undeniable when I was 14, and it’s just as strong today.

Yet, last week, part of me dearly wished that my desires could be different. For years, David has had high hopes that I would enjoy making videos and online content from home. Since nothing sounds better to me than having a happy husband, I asked of myself and of the Lord, “Why can’t I like simpler things?”

In spite of this conflict of desires, my Word for the Week gave me the confidence to be brutally honest about my feelings. “Without in-person gatherings, I have no motivation to continue online content,” I finally admitted the truth to myself and to David. It felt embarrassing, old fashioned, backwards. My worst fear around it all was to disappoint my wonderful husband.

Yet lo and behold! The truth shall set you free.

After some heated conversations and deep prayer, David and I were able to explore how to address our hearts’ desires realistically. We saw that what we both want is whatever will be best for the other and for our children! What a joy to be loved: strengths, weaknesses, desires and fears included.

In closing, I’ll share a piece from one of my favorite accounts to follow on Instagram, called Annunciation Wellness (@wellnessinreallife):

“One of the most healing Eastern prayers for me is the prayer before Communion, which everyone prays together. One line is, ‘Neither like Judas will I give thee a kiss,’ referring to betrayal by a gesture of affection.”

She goes on to relate with Judas, and I’ll include myself in this reflection!

“(Judas and us,) we assume, each to our own degree, that the end goal is prosperity and privilege and not theosis. Ultimately, God offers us his being and communion. He does not need our performance or prosperity but our authentic selves, as we are now.”

Are there demands of performance or prosperity that are weighing you down today? Can you relate with Judas’ incredulousness over God’s generosity? Do you sense Jesus reaching out to set you free from your own expectations? His yoke is gentler than those we place upon ourselves. Indeed, God wants to be with us as we are now.

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